I Am a Jedi And a Jedi is Not to Love
by KrystalBlaze - Jerikor
Summary: *Obi-Wan/Siri* During a routine mission, Siri falls ill. As she recovers, Obi-Wan watches her sleep and relects on what he wants... and what he can never have. *Obi-Wan viginette*


Author: KrystalBlaze  
  
Summary: Obi-Wan watches an injured Siri sleep.  
  
/ / = italics  
  
I AM A JEDI  
  
AND A JEDI IS NOT TO LOVE  
  
There are times when I can't bear the thought of letting her go. There are times when I can't bear the thought of letting her leave my side. There are times when I can't let myself watch her because I think she might know.  
  
My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. I am a Jedi Padawan under the tutelage of Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn. As a Jedi Padawan, I am not to love. As a Jedi Padawan, love is forbidden. The Code forbids it. The Council forbids it. My Master forbids it.  
  
But by the stars, I /can't/forbid it to myself.  
  
There was a time when she hurt me more than anything. I suppose you have hurt. Back then, I didn't care about her as I do now. Her words hurt all the same, though. We taunted each other. Yes, we brought out the best in each other, but at the same time, when she taunted me I did my best. I helped her the most then. I helped /myself/ the most then.  
  
We were sent on a mission together with out Masters to a planet called Tycarn. It resembled Coruscant in many ways, except that about twenty miles from the capital city lay miles and miles of naked mountains and farmland. They called that region the Gathering Region and it was there we were sent.  
  
The Gathering Region was inhabited by two tribes, the Grass and the Flower. They were a very primitive people in the use of their words, but they had gotten a ruling system that worked: a female from the Flower tribe and a male from the Grass tribe were married and ruled the region in a way that benefited both the tribes. They didn't want to fight, but both tribes wanted control over a lake that was in the Flower territory.  
  
By the Code of the Gathering, the Flower tribe was entitled to the lake, but there had been a drought in the region and both tribes were anxious for water. The Grass tribe was suffering while the Flower tribe lived. The two sets of Jedi were dispatched to help end the crisis and hopefully bring the two tribes to an agreement.  
  
We had been on Tycarn for no more than two days when Siri came down with a sickness that drained her of her strength. It was normal for the native people, but Siri took the full force of it and it brought her to death's door. However, the Flower tribe had medicine that worked and soon Siri was recovering.  
  
That's where I stood now. The Flower tribe had given us shelter and we had taken Siri to one of their huts to keep her there. Adi Gallia and Qui-Gon Jinn were currently in discussion with the Flower and Grass Tribes. They had left me to watch over Siri.  
  
I sat by her bed, watching her. The sickness had taken the color from her cheeks and her hair was wet with sweat. I reached out a hand and brushed it aside gently. She stirred, moaned, but didn't wake. Good. I wanted her to rest. She deserved to rest.  
  
I'm not sure when it happened. I'm not even sure why it happened. I just know that one day I woke up, saw Siri in the Temple Hall, and I knew that I loved her. She was a good friend beneath all her taunts and jabs, and I loved everything about her. She was brave, smart, intelligent and fun. She sparred like no other and always took me to my edge.  
  
I know I shouldn't feel this way. A Jedi is not to love. It is forbidden.  
  
But I cannot help the way I feel.  
  
I have to quiet these feelings somehow. They are for another. They aren't meant for a Jedi.  
  
But sometimes my love burns for her so badly I can't do anything but watch her. It's not an attraction to her looks. I could care less about that. It's more about an attraction to her soul that causes this love. She's everything that I want to be. She's everything that embodies a Jedi and it's infatuating.  
  
Watching her is like watching a living light dancing in its own light. She shines, even among the Jedi. She is truly a star and it's everything I need to be what I am. If only she knew how I feel, if only she felt the same for me, I would be more than I am. If only she loved me, I would be everything I could be.  
  
I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know it is forbidden. I know I cannot let myself do this thing. I know I should not let myself do this thing.  
  
"Siri," I whispered, "I love you."  
  
I waited. She stirred a little, but nothing more.  
  
Time and time again I will say this to her in my dreams, in my sleep, in my thoughts. Time and time again I will look to her and open my mouth to say the words, but I will not. Time and time again I will watch her, unnoticed, and want to say the words but don't.  
  
I am a Jedi.  
  
A Jedi is not to love.  
  
I am a Jedi.  
  
For eleven years I have fought to be a Padawan. For eleven years I have fought to earn respect from my peers. From eleven years I have fought.  
  
I am a Jedi.  
  
And a Jedi is not to love.  
  
So from now I will look at Siri, and say the words in my mind, but never out loud.  
  
I am a Jedi.  
  
And a Jedi is not to love. 


End file.
